Sara Under the D-Train tracks, Brooklyn, 2009, © Jane Tam

Two of my Aunts in front of an Arch, 1970s, © Tam Family

Somehow the summer seemed to have come and gone and August is already upon us.¬† It’s been a year since I graduated and a year since I’ve worked at my dayjob. I was talking to a friend recently and said it seems as if time speeds up right after you leave school. Reality hits you like a brick. Age is nothing but a number but for some reason, as each year goes by I see and feel how time affects those around me. My youngest cousin is starting college in a month, the health of my parents are on the decline, my once close friends are drifting away as their lives take off, and here I am struggling with goals, projects, life, and happiness.

It’s almost been a month since my grandmother’s passing. This Sunday the family will be making a trip to Cypress Hills Cemetary in Brooklyn to do our offerings for her one month death anniversary. It’s a bit odd and it still feels like she hasn’t left us at all. But one thing my family has noticed is that emotions hit you when you least expect it like the times when we’re making fun of her antics at Atlantic City, of how she yells at my grandfather, how she’d ask if you ate dinner yet 3 times in a row, and all her other little sayings.

 

Eldest Aunt with her friends, © Jane Tam

What makes me sad is a bit selfish but I had so many plans for this summer to spend with her. She was certainly the easiest person I know in my family who can connect with my camera so quickly. I always look back into the few sessions I had with her as some of the strongest images. When I looked back at these photographs of her, I had wished I found photography earlier to photograph my other grandmother, who passed when I was 13.

Nelson Chan (whose work on his family inspires me as well) wrote me a sincere email telling me the story of his best friend feeling jealousy over his family images, after realizing he himself did not photograph his father who passed. Nelson did not realize what the feeling of jealousy was for his photographs until he told me he felt jealousy over my photographs of my grandmother.

 

Hong Kong, © Jane Tam

I have not photographed for 3 months now and since receiving Nelson’s personal email, I am ready to pull through. My grandfather is now looking into learning how to surf the internet, maybe swimming, just got back from Las Vegas, and is planning to go to Hong Kong in the fall. To get through the grieving, you have to connect with the pain to keep going. I’m planning to follow my grandfather to China and experience how he now lives his life without his love. It might happen and it might not, depends on his plans and depends on my financials. But China aside, I shall continue to shoot and make the best out of this summer.

Grandmother at Fort Greene Park, 2007, © Jane Tam

My grandparents on my father’s side of the family were the people who brought so many of my family members from Hong Kong to America in the 1970s and after. My grandmother used most of her savings to immigrate to the states. She helped my mother’s side of the family immigrate to the states in the late 80s and 90s as well. It’s amazing how the Tam family as well as the Yeung family are so indebted to this one woman. My grandmother had a slew of medical problems in the past but somehow her fighting power was always strong and she fought it like a tiger. She traveled to many countries with my grandfather, went parasailing, took photographs and pet a live tiger, went gambling every weekend or day at Atlantic City, and talked back to anybody in her way. She was a stubborn lady with quite a temper but she always knew to treat her grandchildren differently, like many grandparents.

As I’ve written in a few posts before, I’ve been busy with a lot of family issues and it was mainly the fact that in these past two months, I’ve been in and out of the hospital with many family members. We have a large family and even with family politics, we are all very filial and respectful. I can’t say I was particularly close with my Grandmother growing up but in the past 2-3 years of photographing her every few months, I started to develop a bond. It’s sad to realize that our relationship was so short but as least I have a few memories to hold on to. My grandmother passed away last Friday with her whole family by her side. She went peacefully and we all know she’s lived a vibrant and great life. She can now gamble all she wants wherever she may be.

It’s hard to maintain a professional blog without being personal especially since I am very attached to my family project. With all the sorrow and sadness of our loss, I am also happy to invite you all to the Nymphoto shows, one of which opens this Wednesday. Funny how life works; such polar opposites of emotions.

Traceryscape, © Aki Lumi

I came across Japanese born (Paris based) artist, Aki Lumi, via Lens Culture a couple of weeks ago. I have felt a bit over saturated with straight photography from the blogs, the submissions, and work. It is so refreshing to see photography transformed and used in a different way. Lumi’s images remind me of how I first grew interest in art and it was through drawing and collage. I use to cut family photographs and make collages thinking it was a good idea, before my mother found out and scolded me.¬†

I’m sorry I have not been following up with the blog and writing my usual personal banter. I’ve been feeling a bit censored photographically since my grandmother has been battling a stroke and other illnesses in the hospital. Like Richard Renaldi, I wanted to photograph her struggle but also am faced with family politics and emotional disagreement to do so. Besides wearing the hat of an artist, I am first a granddaughter and a translator for my grandfather and relatives between them and doctors. My cousins and I are often put into the translator position and it is always a struggle of he said she said.

Grandparents in Chinatown, Spring 2008, © Jane Tam

In Prospect Park, © Jane Tam

I’m still in my “post-BFA life is awkward” stage. Dreams of travel have been on my mind almost daily. I should just book a trip somewhere for a week. No worries about money or art career or whether I should go to grad school or not. Easier said than done. Where should I go?

Also, I was planning on selling a few prints soon. Earn a few extra bucks so I can buy film and paper. The drawing above is based on vintage Tam family photographs. My grandparents recently dug up old family albums for me. Some date back to the early 1900s.. back to the days of my great great grandparents in China. Would you be interested in buying drawings and photographic prints?

Grandmother, 2009 © Jane Tam

Trying to get use to syncing lighting with the 4×5. Hmm…¬†

My grandmother had an car accident a couple years ago and hurt her knee back then. She’s quick as a fox when she goes to Atlantic City every weekend but for the past couple of weeks, her knees have given up. It’s sad seeing her age so quickly.

Grandfather, 2008 © Jane Tam

where to go from here.

I finished TA-ing a digital photography course at ICP a few weeks ago, and it ended the class with a final critique. The majority of the students held full-time jobs and still produced photographs of great quality for the night. I started to get angry at myself for not having produced a single new image since May. That’s seven months.

In May, I graduated and had my senior show but was dealing with family health issues and didn’t walk the graduation ceremony. I don’t have any regrets about it personally because it was only a show for my parents and if they couldn’t make it, I wouldn’t have walked anyways. So May was spent half in Syracuse wrapping things up, stressing over how to get my move on without a ride down to NYC (result: fedex 16 boxes worth of clothes, framed photos, random junk), and missing my Lightwork facilities and wondering if I can find a place in NYC that would take me in like that. The other half was mainly taking care of the family issue and being a good and filial daughter rather than tend to my selfish life.

Having the independence of moving out of the parents’ house during my Syracuse years was liberating. I always complained about the place and the people but it was the only time I was on my own. I was looking into renting an apartment with friends but ultimately knew I was no way capable of financially holding onto renting an apartment in New York City nor was I mentally capable of living with people my age again. With maybe $1000 to my name and the impending notice of all the loans that will have my head, I was unwilling to make the leap. So now I live in the very place that stunts my growth, my family home in Brooklyn.

I was sort of lucky to find a job within two months after graduating. Albeit it is mainly commercial, celebrity, and fashion photography work that I look at from 9-5 Monday to Friday, it is nice to not be a student. It’s hard though because like every other college student who just graduated, it’s a free fall. There are no more safety boundaries and no ringleader except myself. After working for a few months, while the cameras were collecting dust, I started to feel that itch again.

Grandparents picking ginkgo nuts, 2007 (outtake), © Jane Tam

My grandfather stole figs from the neighbor’s bush in the backyard. My aunt kept purchasing ridiculous exercise equipment advertised on Chinese infomercials. My cousin, who lives upstairs, and never talks to me, added me as a friend on Facebook.

I leaped and purchased a 4×5 field camera to encourage me to get out there and work. Somehow life gets in the way of making work. I sprain my ankle for the bazillionth time. I photographed my first wedding with a friend. (mmm, yeah….) I got frustrated with only having weekends to work.

Three weeks ago I went to SPE: NE to participate in a couple of portfolio reviews and see some lectures.¬† It was the boost I needed. Meeting with a lackadaisical and ambivalent gallery owner, then a pretty amazing photographer/educator/blogger made for a balanced portfolio-review day. It’s necessary to hear criticism and to have a conversation about the work. Capping it off at Zoe Strauss’s gallery talk was the cherry on top. It wasn’t the best SPE Conference ever since I did miss seeing many Northeast regional members and organizations (ie. Lightwork, Enfoco, CPW, etc). But you win some and you lose some.

The thought of going back to school for a MFA have been a battle on my brain. Though as much as I take my photography seriously, I haven’t been sold on the fact that one needs a masters degree. The only thing that is appealing is the community and the feedback it provides. Now, I went to Syracuse University with a small fine art photography department with only three main professors. They may not be big names, but they have been truly supportive and provided lots of guidance. (I was a little miffed when a gallery owner asked where I went for my BFA and scoffed at faculty names that did not provide the glamor that maybe SVA has. Oh.. so miffed) I think it will take me at least a year or two to get back into the thought of school.

Home and siblings with cousin and uncle, 1987, © Tam Family

So 2009 is but two days away and I look forward to warmer weather, possibly learning how to drive, launching a web project, organizing/cleaning my house and workspace, making money with the dayjob, and ultimately to continue to shoot a ton.