Grandfather, 2008 © Jane Tam

where to go from here.

I finished TA-ing a digital photography course at ICP a few weeks ago, and it ended the class with a final critique. The majority of the students held full-time jobs and still produced photographs of great quality for the night. I started to get angry at myself for not having produced a single new image since May. That’s seven months.

In May, I graduated and had my senior show but was dealing with family health issues and didn’t walk the graduation ceremony. I don’t have any regrets about it personally because it was only a show for my parents and if they couldn’t make it, I wouldn’t have walked anyways. So May was spent half in Syracuse wrapping things up, stressing over how to get my move on without a ride down to NYC (result: fedex 16 boxes worth of clothes, framed photos, random junk), and missing my Lightwork facilities and wondering if I can find a place in NYC that would take me in like that. The other half was mainly taking care of the family issue and being a good and filial daughter rather than tend to my selfish life.

Having the independence of moving out of the parents’ house during my Syracuse years was liberating. I always complained about the place and the people but it was the only time I was on my own. I was looking into renting an apartment with friends but ultimately knew I was no way capable of financially holding onto renting an apartment in New York City nor was I mentally capable of living with people my age again. With maybe $1000 to my name and the impending notice of all the loans that will have my head, I was unwilling to make the leap. So now I live in the very place that stunts my growth, my family home in Brooklyn.

I was sort of lucky to find a job within two months after graduating. Albeit it is mainly commercial, celebrity, and fashion photography work that I look at from 9-5 Monday to Friday, it is nice to not be a student. It’s hard though because like every other college student who just graduated, it’s a free fall. There are no more safety boundaries and no ringleader except myself. After working for a few months, while the cameras were collecting dust, I started to feel that itch again.

Grandparents picking ginkgo nuts, 2007 (outtake), © Jane Tam

My grandfather stole figs from the neighbor’s bush in the backyard. My aunt kept purchasing ridiculous exercise equipment advertised on Chinese infomercials. My cousin, who lives upstairs, and never talks to me, added me as a friend on Facebook.

I leaped and purchased a 4×5 field camera to encourage me to get out there and work. Somehow life gets in the way of making work. I sprain my ankle for the bazillionth time. I photographed my first wedding with a friend. (mmm, yeah….) I got frustrated with only having weekends to work.

Three weeks ago I went to SPE: NE to participate in a couple of portfolio reviews and see some lectures.¬† It was the boost I needed. Meeting with a lackadaisical and ambivalent gallery owner, then a pretty amazing photographer/educator/blogger made for a balanced portfolio-review day. It’s necessary to hear criticism and to have a conversation about the work. Capping it off at Zoe Strauss’s gallery talk was the cherry on top. It wasn’t the best SPE Conference ever since I did miss seeing many Northeast regional members and organizations (ie. Lightwork, Enfoco, CPW, etc). But you win some and you lose some.

The thought of going back to school for a MFA have been a battle on my brain. Though as much as I take my photography seriously, I haven’t been sold on the fact that one needs a masters degree. The only thing that is appealing is the community and the feedback it provides. Now, I went to Syracuse University with a small fine art photography department with only three main professors. They may not be big names, but they have been truly supportive and provided lots of guidance. (I was a little miffed when a gallery owner asked where I went for my BFA and scoffed at faculty names that did not provide the glamor that maybe SVA has. Oh.. so miffed) I think it will take me at least a year or two to get back into the thought of school.

Home and siblings with cousin and uncle, 1987, © Tam Family

So 2009 is but two days away and I look forward to warmer weather, possibly learning how to drive, launching a web project, organizing/cleaning my house and workspace, making money with the dayjob, and ultimately to continue to shoot a ton.